[o88fe]

it's been a sad day for me. we trained so hard for this day. THIS DAY. the Nationals competition. i came in 4th in my heats. the 1st will go in straight finals, 2nd and 3rd semis. so... 4th means nothing. nothing for me. this is not the way i want to end my life as a pjc canoeist. no way. it's damn, damn depressing. i noe. i cried, wailed, i dunno. luckily no one saw. but then, i realised i'm not so strong afterall. welcome to earth, loser. reality hits, sinks in. that's what i got after 1yr plus of training. no.. don't blame my shoulder. it's still an excuse, says my coach of yester-days. i noe, you all say as long as i put in my best and all i shouldn't have anything to be upset about. but what do you all noe? i'm me.. i'm the only me. i felt so useless, and to make things worse, the only tissue paper i had to wipe my tears was wet. how pathetic was that? i could only then sob and let my tears fall on the shed floor. i really let everyone down. all the hopes, dashed by me. den someone locked me in the shed by securing the door latch in place. dotz.. i noe that person didn't do it on purpose, but it didn't help with my mood. you all do not think i will be strongly affected by stuff, but seriously, there are many things you all don't noe. dun think i'm tough. i'm so weak emotionally, i often cry watching movies, but nv let anyone noe. and i'm pretty good at hiding my tears too. (T.T) even someone sitting next to me wouldn't noe i cried. or maybe they don't care. wadever it is... my soul is impoverished. (muahahaha.. mr koh..) i feel the ache to much in me that i can no longer feel it. i noe my plight is not the worse or anything, but i feel sorry for myself and find that no one understands. you all cheer me up, thanks, i feel happy, but it's only sooo temporarily. i can never share my problems truly with ppl. sux.. i'm such an introvert.

wadever things are... all the best for those in the semis and finals. PJC canoeing, the team rocks. i will never forget the tears and joys i had in my days there. but i think sometimes the painful memories will overcome the happier ones.

i've let you all down.