I re-read my diary yesterday, the personal one. One friend once asked me, why keep a personal diary and a blog at the same time? Aren't all diaries meant to be read? I couldn't answer at that time, only to shake my head and say it's different. But now i know. On a blog, one writes in a more careful manner, unless you really can't be bothered what the readers feel and how they would take to it. However, you can write whatever rubbish inside and only be accountable to yourself. Another reason, it's because in a personal diary, one's thoughts are highly influenced by the emotions at the point of writing. At least I know mine is. Which means that in a blog, the writer pens down (or maybe type) thoughts that have been through rationalising. Again, at least I know mine is. Which brings to the point that I blog to ensure that I do not land myself in some criminal offence detention centre, or make my debut on television as a person walking towards or from the Subordinate Courts trying to cover my face. However, I want to make it clear that as a literature student, I am also able to correctly express how I feel in what I type despite all the degrees of rationalising.
Yes, Lynn, this is to you. I might admit, the conversation did not really go well, because in the end, I think you still don't know what is wrong. I'm okay with the blame on me, because the people involved that night knew that it was hard for me to talk calmly, and also because I wasn't quite sure of what I wanted to say. I've often told others, be it close friends or not, that I'm not petty. I forget what I got upset over easily. Maybe I'm naive, but there is this part of me that night that told me that the problem didn't exist. I think I still believe in it, because now I have really forgotten what happened that I was mad about. Let's put this aside for the time being.
On the part where I said I didn't know you partly because I didn't know your past, maybe it was crap. After re-reading my message history, I agree. I guess it was my reaction to try to grope at something tangible to fit my disappointment. Seriously, up till now, I am trying to figure out why I do not know you well enough. It seems such a mistake, a laughingstock on my part or something to have said that. Despite this, my JC life was the best years I had so far of school life. I really, really believe in that, I know. Those memories do not require a solid foundation of what we call 'friendship'. I never experienced such a carefree friendship ever until JC. I honestly swear to that. My secondary school years were torturous and full of backstabbers and painful memories. As I said, I may be naive. Because to me, as long as you smile to me, I would think you are friendly. Take the NTUC cashier for example. She smiled when I told her I didn't need a bag, and I had this impression in my head that she's a nice lady, despite her having given sullen expressions to the previous customers. Now I see her, I smile. She smiles back. It may be customer service, but I take her as an acquaintance. As for being friends, I don't know. As Mr Dennis Yeo our Gothic teacher once said: if one does not have a past, it's as good as not living. I think it's true. I don't probe into each and everyone's past, but at least I know something about it. I regret it that our conversation that night went in that direction and regret even more that I made it seem like it was THE problem. You and I know it isn't.
This post is going to be bloody long. I should stop beating about the bush, but I still cannot bring myself to the main topic. I regret alot of things, but that is just human. However, I know deep down, I do not regret ever meeting you, Lynn. I don't. I never regret meeting anyone, even the people I loathe most. (which I declare is probably Mr Kwek) I only regret the things that occured that caused the hatred. I still do not hate you. I may say I hate people, but again, I forget too easily why is it that I do. But I never hated you. Make it clear. After that conversation, the nagging feeling of me having misled you remains till now. Somehow, I felt that you did not truly understand what I said, or what Siyan said, or what Seok said. It sounded like you did not take the conversation seriously, but then, I do know that it's most probably just how you got the nack of getting over anything easily. You were serious, but you like to take things on an optimistic note. (Maybe I'm even wrong on this point.)
Reading your blog, the latest post, I just felt the disappointment seep in further. The reaction you gave towards what we tried to sort out. I do not know anymore. But I do know something. This miscommunication thing has gone too deep. To the point that even I do not know where to start salvaging it. Maybe we will never understand each other. But if there is a chance that you know where we all come from, please, I beg that you let us know. But right now, I think no amount of confrontation or discussion is going to help anything if things remain the way they are. I no longer feel the disappointment, perhaps I've grown numb to it. But I do feel utter regret that we let things become the way it is.
You know, when a baby cries, the other babies in the immediate area starts crying too. I found out that adults do that too. Maybe this has no link to the post, but somehow I feel it does. Perhaps all of us are influencing each other to the extent that we are overlapping and this resulted in all these problems. I really do not know anymore. I just feel that let us just leave this thing as it is, and come back when we have all feel more settled. Perhaps time cannot heal all wounds, but at least it can calm anger.
Yes, Lynn, this is to you. I might admit, the conversation did not really go well, because in the end, I think you still don't know what is wrong. I'm okay with the blame on me, because the people involved that night knew that it was hard for me to talk calmly, and also because I wasn't quite sure of what I wanted to say. I've often told others, be it close friends or not, that I'm not petty. I forget what I got upset over easily. Maybe I'm naive, but there is this part of me that night that told me that the problem didn't exist. I think I still believe in it, because now I have really forgotten what happened that I was mad about. Let's put this aside for the time being.
On the part where I said I didn't know you partly because I didn't know your past, maybe it was crap. After re-reading my message history, I agree. I guess it was my reaction to try to grope at something tangible to fit my disappointment. Seriously, up till now, I am trying to figure out why I do not know you well enough. It seems such a mistake, a laughingstock on my part or something to have said that. Despite this, my JC life was the best years I had so far of school life. I really, really believe in that, I know. Those memories do not require a solid foundation of what we call 'friendship'. I never experienced such a carefree friendship ever until JC. I honestly swear to that. My secondary school years were torturous and full of backstabbers and painful memories. As I said, I may be naive. Because to me, as long as you smile to me, I would think you are friendly. Take the NTUC cashier for example. She smiled when I told her I didn't need a bag, and I had this impression in my head that she's a nice lady, despite her having given sullen expressions to the previous customers. Now I see her, I smile. She smiles back. It may be customer service, but I take her as an acquaintance. As for being friends, I don't know. As Mr Dennis Yeo our Gothic teacher once said: if one does not have a past, it's as good as not living. I think it's true. I don't probe into each and everyone's past, but at least I know something about it. I regret it that our conversation that night went in that direction and regret even more that I made it seem like it was THE problem. You and I know it isn't.
This post is going to be bloody long. I should stop beating about the bush, but I still cannot bring myself to the main topic. I regret alot of things, but that is just human. However, I know deep down, I do not regret ever meeting you, Lynn. I don't. I never regret meeting anyone, even the people I loathe most. (which I declare is probably Mr Kwek) I only regret the things that occured that caused the hatred. I still do not hate you. I may say I hate people, but again, I forget too easily why is it that I do. But I never hated you. Make it clear. After that conversation, the nagging feeling of me having misled you remains till now. Somehow, I felt that you did not truly understand what I said, or what Siyan said, or what Seok said. It sounded like you did not take the conversation seriously, but then, I do know that it's most probably just how you got the nack of getting over anything easily. You were serious, but you like to take things on an optimistic note. (Maybe I'm even wrong on this point.)
Reading your blog, the latest post, I just felt the disappointment seep in further. The reaction you gave towards what we tried to sort out. I do not know anymore. But I do know something. This miscommunication thing has gone too deep. To the point that even I do not know where to start salvaging it. Maybe we will never understand each other. But if there is a chance that you know where we all come from, please, I beg that you let us know. But right now, I think no amount of confrontation or discussion is going to help anything if things remain the way they are. I no longer feel the disappointment, perhaps I've grown numb to it. But I do feel utter regret that we let things become the way it is.
You know, when a baby cries, the other babies in the immediate area starts crying too. I found out that adults do that too. Maybe this has no link to the post, but somehow I feel it does. Perhaps all of us are influencing each other to the extent that we are overlapping and this resulted in all these problems. I really do not know anymore. I just feel that let us just leave this thing as it is, and come back when we have all feel more settled. Perhaps time cannot heal all wounds, but at least it can calm anger.
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